Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!’.
The other woman turned to her and said “I know! I [...]

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today’s lesson.
“I’ll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let’s begin. A”
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had [...]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon…
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.
Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here…you a drinkin’ [...]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and
his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that
truck???!!!’ He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’
‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet
Avalanche cost.

A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not [...]

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay “them.”
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s
workshop” And the devil’s name [...]

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival, the doctor said that they had a new machine that would transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of [...]

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.
“I need to find someone to run for president,” he said after a while.
Attentive to his boss’ needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.
“Nah, I want that guy,” he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.
“You’ve [...]

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can’t hold it in.