Half Asleep

Ever notice you sometimes have the craziest thoughts when you’re half
asleep? We came up with these amusing musings, also known as “Deep
Thoughts,” also known as “What are you smoking?”

1. If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of
the courses should be Laughing and Jumping Off Stuff.

2. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

3. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity
would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth
X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?”
and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh, it’s
okay,” the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an
X-ray?” Then you would get into an argument with the patient and he
probably wouldn’t pay his bill.

4. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down!” He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
it was getting pretty late.

5. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment?”
I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and
forth, you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

6. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some
smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a
soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started
laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and
ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice,
and I could probably hit them all up for free drinks.

7. Dad always said that laughter was the best medicine, which probably
explains why none of us died of tuberculosis.

8. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king,
they don’t just go by size, because there are some Chihuahuas with
really good ideas.

9. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

10. I’d rather be rich than stupid.

11. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

12. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because, hey, free dummy.

13. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so
much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed
her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said,
“Dust to dust,” some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.

14. The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength
to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it
was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think
there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the
air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older
guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we
went home. I guess some things never leave you.

15. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is that God is crying. When he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”

16. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rocks.”
Martha said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she
should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but then she
said it was just a joke. I think she was just trying to get out of
writing the letter. She is so lazy!

17. If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet
it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to off you.

18. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to
pretend you were swimming.

19. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

20. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular Heaven
or Pie heaven, choose Pie Heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s
not, mmmmmmm!

21. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver, and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to
him real quick and give it to him.

22. Swans mate for life, but I don’t think it’s that big a deal. First
of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan
that looks much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for

23. I wish outer-space aliens would conquer the Earth and make people
their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my
name on it.

24. I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I’d save up my
money so I could buy a solid gold pick. Then I’d go out in the
mountains and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked
what I was doing, I’d say, “Looking for gold, ya darn fool!” He’d say,
“Your pick is gold,” and I’d say, “Well, that was easy.”

25. I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I
ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t. Just
kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human
emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is generosity, as
when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

26. I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
“That was fun,” I said. “You bet it was,” said Nick. “Let’s climb
higher.” “No,” I said. “I think we should be heading back now.” “We
have time,” Nick insisted. I said we didn’t, and Nick said we did. We
argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally
decided to head back. I didn’t say it was an interesting story.

27. I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew
what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the
team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the
team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and
your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back or try to tackle
people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying.
And yet, I thought something was brewing inside the head of this
Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can
mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

28. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it
Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which
is not the impression I would be trying to convey with my store. On
the other hand, I would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing
the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out
of control.

29. Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a
mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to
tell someone about the treasure. I said, “Okay, as long as it’s not a
long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.” He stared
telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I
thought, “This story isn’t too long.” But then, he kept going, and I
started thinking, “Uh-oh, this story is getting long.” But then the
story was over, and I thought to myself, “You know, that story wasn’t
too long after all.” I forget what the story was about, but there was
a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

30. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to
destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the
eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something,
but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and
everyone would get a good laugh.


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