Auditor

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him
to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a
demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney.
“This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk
— and that you’d be happy about it!”

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