12 Days of …………….

By: enj

Dec. 14, 1995
My Dearest Peter,

The cute little partridge arrived a little while ago,
and the pear tree sapling came a little while later.
I’m not sure of the connection, but I love them.

Love always,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec 15, 1995
Dearest Peter,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine, two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your
thoughtful gift. They are adorable.

All my love,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec. 16, 1995
Dearest Peter,

Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now, I really must
protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French
hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you
are too kind.

Love,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec 17, 1995

Dearest Peter,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are quite beautiful, but don’t you think
enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec. 18, 1995

Dearest Peter,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five
golden rings – one for each finger. You are just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec. 19, 1995

Dear Peter,

When I opened the door, there were actually six
geese-a-laying on my front step. So your back to the
birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t
get any sleep through all the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec 20, 1995

Pete,

What is it with you and those fucking birds? Seven
swans-a-swimming. What kind of god-damned joke is
this? There is bird shit all over my house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and
I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny, so stop with
those fucking birds.

Sincerely,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec. 21, 1995

O.K. Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going
to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with
all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they
brought along their goddamned cows. There is shit all
over my lawn, and I can’t move around in my own house.

Just lay off me,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec. 22, 1995

Hey Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine
pipers playing, and do they play. They’ve never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The
cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours,

Dori

– – – – – – –

Dec. 23, 1995

You Rotten Prick,

Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why
they call these sluts ladies. They’ve been balling
those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep
and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeoned me
to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m sicking the police in you.

One who means it!

– – – – – – –

Dec. 24, 1995

Listen Fuckhead,

What’s with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and are
committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds
are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you’re satisfied you rotten bastard.

Your sworn enemy,

– – – – – – –

Dec. 26, 1995

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve
drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict
upon our client, Miss Dori Drawers. The destruction,
of course, was total. All further correspondence
should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss Drawers at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find a warrant for your
arrest.

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